Inspire Wonder


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A New Level of Vulnerable

It is a crazy season of life here, nothing new with that.  But I am in a place that is causing a lot of growth and pain, and excitement.  My husband and I are looking forward to growth in our marriage and careers.  We are learning a deeper level of communicating when we both have needs and still don’t understand how the other processes.  I have new friends and old friends that have become acquaintances instead of kindred spirits.  I have friendships I do not know what they will look like in a few months from now.

Things are shifting, I am letting things go, people go, and learning what to share of myself and where or who to share it with.  I am an open person and have been known for embracing my vulnerable side.  I have always been highly sensitive and felt that no one should be made to feel badly for being so.  In college I was a resident assistant and my resident director gave me one of my greatest compliments.  She told me how being true to myself and sharing myself was inspiring, she said my vulnerability was my greatest strength.  So against several odds someone saw the light I knew was in me even though I had tried to squash it at one time.  I still feel berated for my sensitive spirit and draw towards feeling deeply, but I now know I can be and am who I am no matter what others think.  I don’t need to bend to other people and what makes them feel safe.  I can simply respect where they are, cherish what they are to me and withdraw or have boundaries to what place they get in my life.  I am happy when others figure out their own boundaries and share with me their needs.  I am happy to respect those boundaries, but how I have grown is realizing I can request the same boundary from them.  If someone is not able or willing to be there for you in a certain way, you need to respect it, but also state you need the same boundary.  It is not healthy or helpful to invest in others who cannot invest in you or in certain areas.  Relationships are hard and have a lot of growing pains.  There are always exceptions to things.  At the same time I had someone draw a boundary with me and I required it back of them, I also had another relationship where I knocked down all boundaries and created new ones, to better meet both of our needs.

The ultimate growth in vulnerability in my current state is being flexible, adaptable, and approachable to my needs and open to conversation in my close relationships about each persons needs and wants.  Life knocks us on our ass and it also catapults us right into glory some days.  We transform everyday and what we needed or wanted a year, month, week, or day ago may not work for today.  I am in a new place of understanding boundaries and entering a new level of vulnerability.  The deepest gift I can receive is that whatever choices I make, I own them, and no matter what my marriage, friendships, or co workers say and do, my relationship with myself is the most important.  everything must bring me back to myself, and I am the one responsible for staying with myself through all things.

So in celebration of new vulnerability I am sharing myself more publicly with the people and the world on this blog and putting my writing out there for others in bigger platforms.  I would love your support in reading my first article with The Ladies Coach.  I have followed The Ladies Coach for some time and it was an honor to have them share my article Four Sentences That Saved My Life.

Sending you all love! Thank you!  Comments or questions always welcome!


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What to Do When You Feel

Really this varies depending on the person, but I know when people started providing me a safe place to feel and then I continued feeling those feelings I felt afraid of my deep rage, sorrow, loneliness, and despair.  I wondered, what do I do with these feelings?  I still wonder what to do with them.  Everyone is different and I do want to start by saying it is highly recommended that you go into this slowly.  It is healthy to take breaks.  This is something that might not be very easy if you have a bleeding heart.  Rally support the best you can inwardly and outwardly.

Self talk is the key.  Tell yourself you are safe, you are loved, you have been okay before and you are still okay.  Practice visualization, whether in your head or a collage.  A space that is all yours that calms your heart and mind and breathe into it.  My space varies depending on the mood.  Sometimes it is the beach and others it is in a giant pile of hay in a barn with horses nuzzling their grain.

Here is another thing, very important, it is actually healthy to distract yourself.  Go meet a friend, go to work, clean, watch a movie.  I had a therapist who told me to watch as much tv as I wanted because I was doing a lot of work during session and going to my job.  She called it constructive inattention.  Of course be sure to watch things that aren’t going to plummet you into despair and trigger you.  I stuck with Friends, How I Met Your Mother and chick flicks mixed with some Marvel action movies.

When you are feeling your feelings and setting aside the time to process them there are many ways to do so.  Early on and even now I struggle with completely silent meditation.  For me I was assaulted.  I had to meditate through movement and creation.  I painted, drew, wrote poetry, did yoga inside and outside, I sang, wrote letters and burned them.  These days I am less afraid of my rage but still working on allowing myself to feel it and transform it.  I take a plastic baseball bat to the bed and sometimes scream into a pillow.  Another method my therapist suggested is going to the thrift store and getting an appliance I don’t need like a microwave and taking the hammer to it.  The thing is you want to be safe.  Don’t harm yourself.  Release the energy and allow yourself to see it through to the end.  Feelings just are.  They come and go in waves big and small.  Welcome each of yours.

Try new things.  If it doesn’t work tweak it, try something different and come back later.  You are building a tool box.  It is helpful to have some sort of routine or stability even if it is that you brush your teeth for one minute every morning and evening.  But have something you can count on.

As you go, simplify your days and your life.  Say no to things that aren’t helpful.  You are your top priority.  Silence in some form is important at times.  I have had some of my key healing just driving home with the window down and no music.  The silence eventually gets less loud.  It gets warmer and it becomes a balm for a heart that was never heard.  Go slow, be easy on yourself.  There is no straight path to a finish line.  You are on a life long journey.  Have compassion with yourself.

Sending you all love on your journey!


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The Permission Slip

 

Remember when you were a child and your guardian/parents had to sign permission slips so that you could go on a flied trip, take a harder course, or watch a certain movie?  Remember how awesome it felt when they signed their name easily for something you actually wanted to do, like see that play? And, remember how terrible it felt when they wouldn’t sign it and you really wanted to learn about that subject so you would try to practice their signature and sign it yourself?

We often come by things in life by the introduction or permission of someone else.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but the opposite is true as well.  We often have to pave our own path and seek out, at any cost, what our heart yearns for and needs on our own.  A lesson I have learned, and I am still learning in trauma healing, is that we need to remember our childhood selves.  That spirited flame, that even in the most adverse circumstances hoped, dreamed, fought, and played.  It is that child that would have tried to, or even did, sign their parents signature on the permission slip so they could get what they wanted, what essentially they may have needed.

I tell a story a lot of how someone told me once it was okay to not be okay.  It released something deep inside.  An inner door unlocked and I didn’t realize how much I had been trying to make myself “better” so that everyone around me wasn’t uncomfortable by my emotions and struggle.  This was my permission slip, a verbal signature, from a woman who had traveled through the inward terrain of fear, loneliness and anguish.

It has been a long road since I received that permission slip and used it.  I hit the pit of hell within my heart and my psyche three years into my journey of realizing how many layers of armor I had accrued.  Even after all my hard work, there are still days I find myself blind-sighted by a random stab of shame.  When someone gets upset I can still spiral into a self condemning heap of guilt.  There are still moments or hours that life feels desolate, but I will encourage you that after it gets worse before it gets better, it really eventually, gets better.  I can sit and feel my guilt more often and be curious by what it is trying to teach me about myself instead of struck down and paralyzed by it.  In doing this I am consciously giving myself permission to feel all my emotions, it opensup the ability to transform them into something different, more true and productive to my wellbeing.  Trust me, it is still a difficult journey.

Brene Brown says in Rising Strong that she actually wrote herself a permission slip before meeting Oprah for the first time.  She wrote that she was allowed to feel excited.

Things always come full circle.  While still learning how to feel emotions like rage and despair and learn from them, I have also written myself a permission slip with my own signature that I may feel courage, pride, and excitement about life and celebrate my growth.  It is also okay to know you are okay, no matter what.

Where ever you are in life, and what ever has hurt you, know that with the hard work comes the surprising and beautiful treasures you will find within yourself.  I found I had a gift for poetry and a deep love of Indian food.  I hope you will be in awe of who you are already and make that commitment to yourself to play, love, fight, cry, dream, and hope.

In case you need it like I did, I sincerely and whole-heartedly give you permission to feel all your emotions,  know that you can feel same depths of joy in which you have felt pain. As always seek support for your journey.  Feel free to leave comments, email me at naavapoal@yahoo.com with the subject wordpress blog.  Or you can find me on simbi where instead of money it is a trade community and I offer trauma healing resources depending on your situation.  It is 8 simbi a session or we do a trade 🙂

If you want to join simbi under my link so you can find me, you can do so here.

Thank you for reading!  I would love to explore your blogs as well!

 


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The Hard Work

Today I had an observational experience that reminded me of one of my most vital truths. 

The hard work is necessary in life.  And it is not always easy and often doesn’t feel worth it until way later. 

In trauma we have been, in some form, tragically hurt. To heal often requires its own form of pain, be it, confrontation with someone, transforming your own unhealthy habits, talking to a therapist, and actually facing the pain of the trauma.

Some people don’t want to do the work due to the whole new form of pain. It is not easy and we need support. Don’t walk that scary path alone, but know sometimes growth doesn’t look pretty, it hurts and it’s really fucking hard.  It is worth it though. I know this now.

Sending you all love and support on your own journeys. Always seek compassion for yourself in this process.


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When I Don’t Want to Stay

Trauma is complex and it adds layers to even the regular daily struggles.

I have moments that last for a second or for days and weeks where I get restless and uncommitted.  I want adventure, to start new, to get away.

The further I get into healing the more I want stability and routine as well as adventure and new challenges. Of course all things are a balance but I often find these two desires at odds.

I have to compromise with myself. I have to listen to myself. At the end of the struggle it’s really that I just wanted to be heard, not just by those close to me, but from myself.

I’ve been practicing meditation for three days from an app called calm. It is working. I can only do three to ten minutes. Tonight I sat in the car and did a three minute body scan and I heard myself.

Things are hard right now with job choices and switching therapists. I have a couple close people who inspired me to commit to my healing journey who are having a hard time. I am able to support them, but it has thrown me off just a little.

I understood the root of wanting to leave.  We all have limits and when you’ve been a victim of abuse you can sometimes stay too long in a situation or run too quickly. But even below that layer of flight, fight, or freeze was more. When I was being abused I was betrayed. That pain cuts a spirit in two, so I would mentally separate myself from that moment. As an adult I began to physically remove myself whenever I had enough somewhere. 

So now when I don’t want to stay, I thank myself for that protection I gave myself as a child and then I stay with myself. 

All the love to you my readers. I hope you all find ways to stay with yourself. Validate your pain. If you need a mental break, take a bath or watch a funny show but try to take a few seconds or minutes to reassure yourself and thank yourself. You are complex and wonderful. Beautiful mysteries lie within waiting to be discovered. 

Stay with yourself. ❤


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It’s Okay to Not be Okay

Sometimes we need the kindness of strangers or friends to help us open up to ourselves and give us permission to be vulnerable.

The best thing someone told me is that, “It is okay not to be okay.”  The first time I heard that I felt relieved, I felt this great release that I didn’t have to fix myself or have everything under control.  When you spend a life time tied together by a smile you forget that all feelings are allowed.

I spent a lot of time suppressing feelings like anger and anxiety.  I am still learning how to process those emotions, years later.  But I know now how normal and human and okay it is to feel them.  So where ever you are, meet yourself where you are at.  Love yourself right there in the middle of the messy chaos.  Always allow love and light and seek for grace, but allow yourself to be authentic and raw.  Life is hard and it’s okay to not be okay.

 


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Honor

I am writing this in your honor.

Your words have been scarce and unheard.

Sometimes I have hated and blamed you for your pain.

I am walking into the fire to be with you.

I will sit in these flames though neither of us understands.

I have told you that you do not matter.

I see such heavy grief and no relief.

The smoke is caught in my throat.

I can’t forgive you or apologize, but please hold my hand.

This blaze desires to breathe sparks of life.

There are dying embers where our hearts once rested.

I am still so angry.

Your pretty dress is singed.

I left you when you were little, your innocence he stole.

Hot coals burn my bare-feet as I know I must walk this course.

To forgive you, means to forgive myself.

Such responsibility will not be taken lightly.

I have heard there is grace for us all.

I choose to believe the ashes will bloom in the Fall.

In your honor, I will feel the searing and the scorching of the truth.

It was never our fault.

When acceptance dances, love will be the hearth upon which we put our feet.

*Originally appeared in my journal, then later published by in a small chap book put out in Columbus by https://someweirdsin27.blogspot.com/